The Rut I follow

The tools are I need are spread out before me. I know who to use every last one. I’ve seen most used properly, or I can imagine the proper use for them. I have an active imagination. I know many paths I could take. Most push me to what I believe to be my goal. Others push me to some unknown destination. These are the hardest to follow. My goals can be imagined, they seem probable. Yet, they remain just that. Goals. I can imagine what I believe to be a better me. And I can articulate a clear path to this goal, but I don’t follow it.

This is nothing new. I have been following this path for as long as I could bother to have the thought. I live in a world without a model, a hero, and a clear instructor. I find these piecemeal in many things. Some professors, some friends, some actions of strangers, fictional characters, fictional premises. Plenty of suits on the rack, but non tailored for me. Now this may be asking for a lot, after all why do I deserve a self tailored model to follow and improve? I’m sure that’s not something most have, or even think about missing. But I find myself becoming this model out of necessity. This is not what I want. I am an improper model. If I wrote down everything I knew, I wouldn’t have to go out and buy more paper. I am a student trying to become a teacher, in more than one way. This may sound almost poetic or cliche, depending on who you ask. Though something crazy has happened to me.

I’ve grown. The difference in just the past 2 years is tremendous. I’ve seen friends, families, and strangers rise and fall. I’ve somehow been dropped on a higher platform in these two years. I’ve caught even a glimpse on what it truly means to love, to live, to work, to grow, to listen. I’ve seen in the eyes of those I talk to wonderment, and intrigue. People are seeing me as smart, as a leader. I can see it, but I feel they see a persona that far exceeds not what I’m capable of, but what I actually do and give. I want to lead, but I am afraid to fail.

I know many who’ve failed, and become contempt with where and what they are. At least that’s what they would like me to believe. I want to be happy, be more than just contempt. I like all will die, I would like to die with a smile. To end on top, frozen in my eternal second state. Become the next big stepping stone for someone else to build upon. But will that really make me happy? I don’t know. I don’t know what will make me happy, I can only imagine. I can imagine traveling the world with my significant other, eventually settling down and starting a family. But how long will that happiness last? How long will it take before I crave more adventure? The battery will fail to start the car if it hasn’t been driven. But parenting is the ‘adventure’, and it is one I wish to pursue one day.  It seems to me to be a sure thing. Some things feel like they are a sure thing. I’m sure I’ll graduate college, I’m sure I’ll get a job, I’m sure I’ll be married and find love, I’m sure I’ll start a family and have kids of my own, I’m sure I’ll become smarter and be able to answer many questions I have today. But at times many of these things, if not all of them feel unsure.

It’s not a good feeling to be unsure. It feels terrible to think you know something, and learn or believe that maybe you don’t. I recently found myself in a lull, with a promising promised future that seemed sure and to be steadily finding the path I was following. I had my doubts, theories, and possible paths that could interrupt me. Though seemingly out of nowhere this string of certainty was cut. I feel the desire to move on. I feel the desire to figure out where it went from a certain thing, to an uncertain thing. Already paths have appeared before me. Though I have chosen to follow none. I have dug myself a hole away from all paths. I sit and think, or I get up retrace my steps to a previous path and go back to the hole. I try to find paths within this hole, but there are no paths. Just a hole good to rest, and good to hide. I’m ignoring real problems, allowing them to build up in and around this hole. I’m hoping I’ll float, though I just sink. I find little bubbles of air and brevity that keep my trip in the hole bearable. I look for the rope, the ladder to just drop down in front of me. I know this won’t happen, and I know I already know how to swim. It will just take all my reserved strength to push myself to the top of this hole. I will be out of breath, uneasy, and weak. Only to be placed back in front of all my possible paths.

But I know that I will need to push myself to my limit to succeed, and become even a little bit better than the steady slope I am climbing. Why am I afraid of losing my breath and dying along the way, I am dying in the hole. Would I rather die in darkness, than the hope of light I can see above. Maybe I’m afraid of one single push of myself not being enough. I’m afraid of commitment to so many things in life. To constantly push myself is scary.

But I am pushing myself. It just hasn’t been in one direction. When I push down I also push up, when I push forward I also push back. I don’t move. I push myself to my limits, but for no clear defined reason. I’m late on my assignment. Another day wasted, I’ll work in the morning, at least I hope to. Goodnight!

A Ramble on Life

Is who I am, and who I want to be that different? We categorize everyday, people and things into simplified versions that we can understand, but what if I still don’t understand? If even I do not know who or what I am, am I then free to shape myself into someone I wish to be? I’ve always wanted to be a hero in a story, to be loved by all. Many would say its a childish ideal, perhaps from it seeming impossible to be loved by all. Is what I want childish, do I have to do something I don’t want to do, is that adultish. No, If I want to work my way up in a boring office job until I make a comfortable amount of money to raise a family, then people would consider me mature. But I don’t want to be the boring, forgettable background character. I want to travel the world, to meet and touch the hearts of many people. I want my face to coincide with my name. I want my presence to instantly comfort those who feel it. I suppose people could find comfort in the expectability of my average background character life. That for some small puzzle out there I would make a piece that would be a inconvenience if it wasn’t present. I say all this and even I have only the faintest idea of what I want. I am a man who pretends that I know what I am doing, like so many others I carry the hidden name facade. People tell me to find content with what I have, Schopenhauer says the only the thing that makes suffering bearable is the thought that someone else has it off worse. But I do not want to be content, I crave to have satisfaction with my life, to die with a smile. People say that, that is impossible. I would say this is a world full of possibilities, what’s to say this can’t be one of them. The moment I give up and accept that I should just be content, is the moment I can never be satisfied. A person can’t just stop and dig a hole in the middle of the road still hoping they can get to the other side. People will and have warned me that I will only find disappointment in life if I continue on this path. But if life is truly purposeless like many truly believe, then what is the harm in trying. We live in a world afraid of the unknown, but in a culture that encourages us to continue on. But that is not to say that I am not terrified, I am. I’m afraid eventually I’ll come to a stop in my journey, not being able to push my self any longer, and just hoping that someone or something will come along a push me forward. Pandora left us mere humans hope, but what good is hope. It is an idea and a belief. These ideas and beliefs gain power from us humans that conjure them, why do we always seek help and guidance from anything other than ourselves? When these ideas and beliefs are created by humans, then why can’t we humans find the strength within ourselves. We see ourselves as useless, and thus so it is. We tell children not to ever give up, when that’s all that most of us have done. Many would rather have safety over purpose. We are a funny species, we find cleverer and cleverer ways to cage ourselves in. Perhaps because we know the true beasts we are, and are trying to protect ourselves from each other. Perhaps we are too afraid to admit how helpless we are, we aren’t magic, or gods. But we have the ability to make such things be true. Human imagination is a wonderful curse. It allows us to imagine better lives to just tease ourselves with. But it also allows to over come many obstacles we and so many others have put into place. I am so young and can only conjure up so much advice, but this I know. We will all be forgotten one day, nothing lasts forever, you are the only thing that holds you back, you are not the only one scared, you are not the only one confused, you are not the only one lost, You must never give up, the moment you give up is the moment you lose, death is the end of you, but it doesn’t have to be the end of who you are, You have your imagination, use it, You have only so much time, don’t regret what you have done if you have not drawn your last breath yet. Your flaws and strengths only seem different on the outside, If you love who you are others will love you, If you hate who you are others will try to comfort you, If you show determination you can spark strength in others, Our lives may be meaningless, but they mean the world to someone even if you haven’t meet them yet, Find a friend or two that help give you the ability to smile, Take time to realize what you want and go after it, even if you don’t find it, it will be one hell of a ride, the most many of us can do is give advice and hope it helps.

Bliss

They say ignorance is bliss. I believe this to be true, if the ignorance is also true. If we as humans believe we do not know something, we will hunt it as an insatiable craze. Knowledge is an endless cavern full of jewels. At first we take a handful at the entrance to better our lives. But before we know it, curiosity catches up to us. We will continue to plunge forth into the dark cavern of jewels. Developing technologies such as torches to help guide our way. But there will come a point where we will venture too deep into the cavern. So deep in fact, that we will not be able to find our way back. So instead we carry on forward leaving and discarding jewels along the way. Having the fear of being trapped in this cavern give you adrenaline, and narrowing our mind and thoughts to one goal. Escape. Once we achieve this goal we will find bliss. But those who look back, those whose curiosity gets the better of them, will be doomed to repeat that same mistake. True Ignorance is difficult to sustain, that is to say bliss is difficult to achieve. Curiosity, fear, and determination help guide us away from such things as bliss. For one can not know what bliss is nor appreciate said bliss. If they have experienced and remember a time before such things. Those lucky few who truly have bliss, will never read this and many other works, will not be educated, will not know love, nor connection, those who have bliss will never know they have it, for they will not exist, at least in the same sense as you and I. They will only know the state they are in, and never advance further. The knowing that we need to improve is the limiter that puts bliss out of our reach. Bliss is worth it to those who know much more, but to those just learning bliss is a worthless disposable thing to make way for a greater meaning. There is no right collective answer. Just remember, you have the ability to forget what you know, and to learn what you’ve yet to learn.

The meaning of life

People have been questioning the meaning of life since at least written memory. When you truly think about it, we as a species just find tasks of various size and difficultly until we must eventually fall asleep. Then we awake, and find a different task before the collapse of exhaustion ensues. Is this what life is, just a short distraction before the guarantee of death. If that is so, do we truly want this out of our lives. Many will claim they do not have enough time, enough time for what? Something else to distract our selves with. Or are we still trying to convince ourselves that their is still something else out there, some greater meaning to our lives. And perhaps there is; one thing’s for sure, those who believe in absolutes only contradict themselves. If any species can find this greater meaning, humanity so far has the best shot. But what will happen when we find it? What if our meaning of life, is to ever inch closer to the true meaning. If we find the said meaning of life, then wouldn’t we lose our meaning of life. What would be the point of living once we know everything, there would be nothing left to discover, to seek. Once we know meaning, we have ascended beyond our meaning of life, beyond humanity. But that day may very well never come, fore we may be too scared to lose the meaning we have withheld for countless generations. We can not discover what we truly are without letting go of who we truly are. Perhaps the meaning of life is to keep life itself, alive.

Communication

It was my group communication class this year in college, that spurred me to create this blog. In class my group and I presented different presentations about women’s rights, and police brutality. The planning of said projects were often very hectic, but at same time lead to interesting conversations. As individuals we would all have our own opinions and ideas, but as a group we would all have to come to an agreement on what we wanted to say.

I already knew before coming in that I am a great impromptu speaker. This class helped affirm this. My group would have me give the conclusion every time. This was done so I could alleviate for lost time, or prolong our presentation to reach the time requirement.

One thing I tried to always do was get the opinions of those in my group. I initially did this, solely to not be the only one contributing ideas to the group. Though as time went on and I got to know my group members better, I became generally interested in what they had to say. My group members would probably say I generally took on the leadership role, I would agree. Though I would only agree when it comes the presentations themselves. Rarely would I have the leadership role during our planning periods. Again that was due to me wanting the others to contribute. And they stepped up to the plate every time.

I would definitely say I am most proud of our film persuasive speech. We used the movie “A League of the own” as the basis for our argument. Our argument being that women and men in society are still not 100% equal. For a twenty minute speech we worked together longer and more proactively more than any other project. We met multiple times besides once or twice. It was the only topic my group became really invested in. It wasn’t a presentation we put together only for a grade, but because we wanted to.

Many who know me would assume I do not have stage fright. I am often the first one to boisterously jump on to stage right away and greet the crowd. While I may play it off well, I am, in fact quite terrified. I often find the courage at last minute to jump up on stage and greet the audience. The entire time I am terrified to embarrass myself, but running off stage is the sure fire way to be embarrassed. This dread of embarrassment used to be much worse, but now it is almost non-existent. This class helped to instill that. After constant positive feel back, my knew found sense of confidence has dulled my dread of embarrassment.

One problem I had throughout this course through the end was not knowing what to say. I became so dependent on my impromptu speaking skills, that I would not know what I was going to say. Well I wouldn’t know what to say, until I said it. I would come in with some rough ideas of what I was going to say, and I would go on from there. When my group practiced our speeches I always sounded the weakest. I would take our repetitions as a chance to try out different ways to say what I wanted to say. Thankfully no matter how bad I sounded while we practiced, my group members still supported me. This support helped give me the confidence I needed for the actual presentation. I picked up on some techniques in high school such as talking in a slower steady tone, dramatic pauses, and repetition of certain words. I used all of these techniques to allow myself time to think what I was going to say next in my presentation. Though the best and most powerful technique I learned while in this course, was to fully believe in what you are saying.

This class helped show me that others can tell when you care what you are talking about. Not only will it get more people to listen to you, but will also help convince people to see and join your side. When you are put into a mindset of belief, it is also much easier to come up with something to say. In my group’s aforementioned persuasive speech on women’s rights, I was the last to go with over eight minutes to fill. This was double the time of what I intended on. I decided to not freak-out, and to just relieve my own personal beliefs on the subject. Those eight minutes breezed by before my eyes. Towards the end of my presentation, tears actually began to form in my eyes. I still don’t really know how it happened, or how I exactly ended my part of the presentation. All I remember is the surprised looks of my group members, and the applause that came right after.

This is the moment above all others I’ll be taking with me from this course. The techniques in speech that I utilized in this course, will follow me in any other future presentations I may have. I am thankful for this class being the final tool to break me out of my shell.

What I believe in

You are what I believe. Your safety, health, happiness are what I care about. Your smile is the miracle drug doctor’s have been looking for. When you laugh I can’t help, but follow along. When you weep I cry along side you, and look for a way to help you. If I can’t help you the way I am, I will change. I will learn. Is this love? All I want is to be walking side by side with you, holding hands. I try new ways to brighten up those beautiful eyes. When you lay your head on my shoulder I can finally see. See what I’ve been missing all my life. You give me purpose. My new job is to always be there for you. No matter what happens I want you to be happy. I will always be there to put that beautiful smile back on your face. No matter where our young lives take us I will care about you. You matter. You are amazing. If you can take anything at all, be it that I love you.

Not knowing what to say

There are times I wished I had the inherent power to know what to say in certain situations. I want to be the one others can rely on, relate to. I want to help them feel better. I support them 100% emotionally, but that can’t always translate to the one feeling down. When I know someone is upset, depressed, I take their pain unwillingly. I don’t want them to suffer. I’m willingly to take their pain away to make them feel better. But often all I do is feel bad right along side them. I want to help them. But I’m to afraid to make the situation worse. Which probably in turn makes the situation worse. I know I should speak to show I am paying attention and I am there for them, and that I will do everything in my power to help them feel better. So why is it so hard for me to do so.

Absolutely, Maybe

Life to me is a contradiction, or maybe it isn’t. To me nothing is constant. There are no absolutes. After all Yoda states “only a Sith deals in absolutes”. But if there are no absolutes, then there being no absolutes can’t be absolute. Life is a paradox. Or how I perceive life is a paradox. This is my train of thought through the day. I find myself trying to catch the ever moving middle, balance of life. The Taoist Yin-Yang symbol, though over done is a beauty to me. Balance is something I and so many others struggle to achieve. Though in finding this balance I lose something that is crucial in decision making. Actually making a decision. I question myself and others too much to form answers. Or when I give an answer, it is often too vague to be counted as such. My Dad calls it my “Politician” talk. In my attempts to make balanced decisions, I often fail to make one in the first place. I just contradict myself, hoping something great will just pop into my head and be the “end all be all” answer. Much like how my Dad views politicians. I don’t always have the right answers, I don’t always know what to do. I am not absolute.

Journey

As a child or at least a younger child I was afraid of change. I hate leaving anything behind, “goodbye” was the worst thing to say. I cried every year the leaves changed and fell from their homes. They would never know the joy of a birthday, to my five year old self that was the most horrible thing. From early on I was a rock, comfortable with my place in this world. At ease resting in place. It wasn’t until someone rolled me off my hill that I changed. I broke apart, becoming someone new. Someone with the same tendencies, quirks, emotions, compassion. But I gained something many others can only hope to achieve, Ambition. I have dreams, hopes, desires. I’m ready to take the next step and play this little game called life. I’m ready to use all the tools at my disposal acquiring new ones along the way. And most importantly, I plan to complete them while still being true to myself and my ideals. It won’t be easy. And if it was, what would be the point of living. We humans continue to improve ourselves and mess up so we can constantly move forward. We make our own obstacles so we may surpass them. The moment we don’t or can’t is the moment we are not human.

Hello world!

This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.

Happy blogging!